confession: cringe

I think I may be becoming one of those moms who makes me cringe a little bit. One of those moms who is too busy being a mother to her children to raise them. Yes, you read that correctly.

My mother was so good at raising me to grow into an adult. And I worry sometimes that, not only am I not doing that well, I don't particularly want to be doing that. I know it's life and it's how I'm supposed to be doing things, but I'm pulling so hard against it.

In the early hours of morning today, as I was cuddled up to Toby... My baby boy who is 6 months old already and growing further and further away from needing his mommy every day... something really hit me...

I like feeling needed.

Does this mean I need to lay on a couch and talk about how I feel or something??

I've never wanted to be famous. I've never had the urge to be world-renowned for anything. But I want to be everything to my kids and husband. Having all three of my babes has been bitter-sweet for me - The pure joy of meeting them on the outside world for the first time mixed with the control-freak fears that I would have to now share them with everyone else.

Not to make myself out as some super woman... I just asked Eric (in a less-than-polite tone) a couple nights ago if he knew what it was like to go for months without ever getting more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep. I love going out without the kids to save my sanity. I've never considered myself an over-protective parent and I hope I'm not completely fooling myself.

I guess it's like my little mommy secret. I love my kids too much, love them needing me too much. I promise I'll never tell them. I won't give them major issues that will require years of counseling. I will smile and wave as they grow up and need me less and less. But a little part of me will always love when they need me, even if they don't know it. And I will try my hardest not to let anyone know that somewhere deep inside I am that mom who makes me cringe.