Learning How To Think Again

the same path

2011-02-28T11:10:00.000-08:00

I just found this old post in my drafts from almost a year ago. I'm not sure why I never published it. It's not exactly "where" I am right now, but I remember being there. I still am some days... and I still love that path.

Five years ago, walking down the path along the reflecting pool from the Washington Monument to the Lincoln Memorial, I held my husband's hand and told him I'd move to Virginia. I could live there. We could do it. We'd prayed about it, we'd made lists of pros and cons, analyzed it to death. But right then, on that peaceful path, I knew I could do it. I wanted to move there. Even bigger, I think I truly trusted Eric to make God-led decisions for our family for the first time.

Tuesday night, we walked along that same path. This time, we had two more little people in our life. This time was not about moving there, but moving away... even though the move was months ago. I miss it. But it's mostly selfish missing. Ohio is good for those three little people and Ohio is good for us, too. Ohio is where God has planted us for this season of life.

I wouldn't mind, though, if some day I had that path in my backyard again.

my adorable little co-workers

2011-02-26T18:59:00.001-08:00

Being a stay at home mom is pretty much the only job I can think of where it is socially unacceptable to complain about your co-workers. I love my children a ridiculous amount. I like who they are growing to be. Having all three of my kids with me on any given afternoon warms my heart. There are even those magical days when no one spills the milk at breakfast, everyone naps simultaneously and we all sit down to a Bible story after dinner with smiles on our faces. The thing is - these adorable little co-workers are with me 24/7. And there are the other days. The days when everyone wakes up whining, naptime involves more yelling than resting and the kids are sent up to brush their teeth for bed at 6:30 because I can't listen to a minute more of the fighting. On those days, it would be nice to stand around a water cooler and vent to someone. I clearly don't love them any less on those other days. I'm just ready for bedtime a lot earlier. So I'm super thankful for my friends who are REAL moms... who I can call/text/facebook and say something without worrying even for a minute that they think I'm any less of a mom.

here and there

2011-02-16T20:12:00.000-08:00

D'ya know how you know it's been a long time since you blogged?

1. You type someone else's URL into your browser when you think of something to post.

2. Once you finally remember what you named your blog 4 years ago (give or take), you cannot for the life of you remember which email account you had it under.

I have been thinking about posting again. Mostly boring/crazy mommy junk in my head. We'll see. I know all two of you are waiting on the edge of your seats. In the meantime, though, I continue to be slightly obsessive about free toothpaste and cheap bananas here. Just in case you're into that kind of thing.

the history i'm living

2010-10-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

I'd like to see the Roman ruins, Egyptian pyramids, Midievel castles, and so much more before I die. Seeing history is a pretty cool thing. But what I want more than that is to be a witness to what is going on around me today and in my recent yesterdays. To see Ground Zero. To walk the broken streets of Afghanistan and Iraq. To remember what I did with my time before Facebook. To talk to people in New Orleans Lower 9th Ward. To say where I was when I watched our first African American President be sworn in. To help the victims in Haiti.

In 8th grade, I had to interview my grandmother about historical events during her lifetime. When my grandchildren and great grandchildren ask me about the history I'm living, I'd like to have an answer that I didn't read in a newspaper. We are living history everyday and I just don't want to miss it.

better than a dozen roses

2010-09-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Last night at Target I was having a moment. I was just trying to get all 5 of us in and out alive, with a new shirt for Lex's school pics and some coupon freebies. My kids are usually fairly well-behaved in public. I routinely take them all to the grocery store with me and the 4 of us will walk out with smiles on our faces. This was not one of those times, though. While at the check out, Lex was begging incessantly for a yoyo ball, Abe was fiercely grabbing every pack of gum from the shelves within his reach and Tobes was SCREAMING the toothbrush song from Veggie Tales at the top of his lungs.

Then my husband did something magical. As we walked away from the cashier, he told me to go buy something for myself at Starbucks. We've been so good with our penny-pinching lately that my Starbucks habit has been replaced by the coffee machine in my kitchen. Eric knows I miss it. He loves me. And he knew I was having a moment... that was turned into a beautiful moment by my first pumpkin spice latte of the season!

Having a husband who knows me so well is way better than a dozen roses.

playing favorites

2010-07-27T13:16:00.001-07:00

I was an only child, so I grew up knowing that I must be my mom's favorite person in the world. My mom never had to worry about her attention being spread evenly, though, or even something as simple as who got the biggest bowl of cereal that morning. Because I want my kids to know that they are EACH my favorite, I sometimes obsess over random things being even... such as the aforementioned cereal bowls.

I worry that Lex, who is such a different little person than I am or ever have been, will think that our differences mean I like her less. Do I understand her less? Sometimes. But she also has taught me more in her 8 years of life than anyone else on Earth!

I wonder if Abe will ever develop middle-child syndrome... almost enough to have a fourth child, just so no one can be the middle child. He has more of my personality than the other two seem to at this point, though, so I think we'll get along just fine.

Then I think about how Toby is the third and we sometimes fuss over him less. I already know that he probably won't break and he definitely will outgrow throwing tantrums on the kitchen floor. But I also know he'll grow out of calling cars "byes" and crinkling up his nose into a cheesy smile every morning when I walk into his room. So, as I watch him go through those little milestones for what could be my last time, I want him to know I treasure every moment.

So I have three favorites. I hope they each know that - that they are each the best kid in the world, absolutely irreplaceable, amazing & fun, and I wouldn't know what to do with out them. Some of my favorite moments are when we're all together but sometimes it's even better when I get to run an errand (or trip to Virginia...) with one of them to remind me how wonderful their little personalities are.

my mother's day prayer

2010-05-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

While standing in line at Meijer tonight, I witnessed something that made me cry all the way to my comfy leather chair at Caribou.

A mom, a dad and their four kids were checking out. The kids all had dirty clothes and unkept hair. They all looked a little rough around the edges. I saw the mom swear at her children repeatedly, threaten her children, threaten another customer for glaring at her, mention using a pistol on her children and eventually slap one child in the face then blame him for making her slap him. She was obviously at her limit. She probably had a bad day. She might even have a bad life. But she did not need to treat those children that way. It broke my heart.

I got in the car thinking about all the things I should have said, should have done. I prayed hard for that woman to have peace, for that family to have joy, for them to have Jesus and tears came to my eyes.

It shook me up. I was on my way to Caribou with a book per my husband's instructions for me to take a pre-Mother's Day evening to relax. I thought about how I could put it all out my mind and, honestly, once I was settled in with my coffee and into my book, I did.

About a half hour later, a mom came in with her daughter. They sat at a table near me, sipping their drinks, playing cards and giggling. I was struck by the contrast between this mother and the mother I'd watched at Meijer.

It was so easy for me to go on with life and forget about the sad situation that first family probably lives in. Because I have a good life and when I'm at my limit, I have a good husband to tells me to go to Caribou with a book.

So this Mother's Day I want to strive to be like the happy mom at Caribou, but I also want to recognize that we all reach our limit sometimes. We all have bad days. I hope I don't forget about that first mother and to pray for her and I also hope to have lots of happy moments like that second mother with my kids. As mothers, we all need prayer... we need to pray and we need others praying for us.

Happy Mother's Day!

barefoot

2010-04-08T05:32:00.000-07:00

http://www.onedaywithoutshoes.com

out of shame... into marvelous light

2010-03-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the light, you are the way!

Singing these words to this song in church last Sunday, something hit me. Not only should I be celebrating the cross and resurrection this Easter season, I should also be celebrating what Jesus did for me, personally, all over again. I get to run into marvelous light because of Jesus. I get to leave the darkness and the SHAME. That was a big one for me. Jesus took the sins of the world... he took my sins... and once I'm cleared with God, no one can make me feel shameful about the wrongs I've done. I deserve to feel like crap about so many things, but I don't have to because Jesus went to the cross and became the light and the way for me to get to heaven.

I hope I keep that in the front of my mind this Easter weekend... and I pray that others would discover it for the first time.

(ok, obviously not a professional recording but it was the best of YouTube - and still a great song!)

change of a season

2010-03-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

This week has been absolutely beautiful. Winter is fading away. It's still been chilly in the morning but the afternoons have been high 50s or even low 60s. The boys and I have been taking a morning walk then most days taking a second walk with Lex when she gets home from school. We've been to the park, had the windows open, walked to the store, and played outside in the dirt. I am a person who loves every season. I don't know if I could ever live in a place that's the same temperature year around. I get just as excited about snow as I do about sunshine. Love. them. all.

Yesterday evening, after the kids and I had played outside and I'd even gone on a jog (without kids!), Eric pointed out that for the first time in 48 months I am not pregnant or nursing. Wow. This is a season change of a whole other kind. My big girl talks on the phone with her friends. My first boy rides a scooter faster than I can. And my baby boy is... no longer a baby. He's a big, running, yelling 17-month maniac!

I love the pregnant and baby seasons. There are such beautiful things about those seasons of life... My favorite feeling in the world is feeling a baby move in my tummy. I find childbirth empowering. There's nothing like a nursing infant, cuddled up next to you on the couch and completely content. I don't even really mind growing to be huge then suffering from sleep deprivation for a few months. But are we forever done with those seasons? We might be.

Right now, I'm looking at my big kids and loving all their growth, fun, and playfulness. I'm hoping I don't ever look back and regret not taking the time to enjoy every second in each season of their life. I'm also wondering what will be next... for them, for me, for all of us in the coming seasons.

i'm a geek

2010-03-11T06:51:00.000-08:00

Somehow going from Lent and Jesus to this seems more than a little inappropriate.

Sigh. Oh, Edward.

lent

2010-02-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a predominantly Catholic small town. I am not here to bash Catholicism, but I will say that many examples of people living out the Catholic faith have left me fairly jaded on several of its stances and traditions. One of these is Lent. I've never given anything up for Lent. I guess I just saw too many of my peers in high school give up ice cream for Lent, only to eat gobs of frozen yogurt and one girl in particular who didn't realize until our senior year that the pepperoni on her pizza constituted a meat, thus being an unacceptable Friday lunch. I saw Lent used as a dieting tool many times, saw it used as a contest even, but have had a hard time viewing it as anything related to Jesus.

This year, I'm trying to change my own perspective on that.

I already knew the whole self-denial portion of Lent. What I didn't know, though, was that prayer, repentance, and giving to others are other traditional parts of it. I knew it tied in with the whole Easter season, but I've never thought about how truly living out Lent could prepare my heart for celebrating Easter. I understood the connection to the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness being tempted by Satan, but I've never taken the time to think on how he uses God's Word to combat temptation and how I can, too.

This year, Eric and I are experimenting with the whole Lenten season thing. We've decided to give up drinking everything but water. No Diet Coke, no coffee, etc. Anne Jackson discusses this idea here and suggests giving what you would have spent on other beverages. I'm trying to amp up my prayer life, trying to let my desire for a coffee in the morning fuel my desire to grab my Bible instead. And I'm looking forward to celebrating Jesus' miraculous resurrection all out this year!

if this is it

2010-02-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

I sometimes have a tendency to live in the "what's next" rather than the "what's now." All through college, I couldn't wait to graduate and start my real life. Once I was teaching, I looked forward to being financially secure enough to quit my job and stay at home. Now that I'm at home, I dream about what big thing I could give my life to next. Eric and I are always talking about "what's next." Believe it or not, being a government auditor is not his life's dream. And as much as I love and treasure these years with my kids, I'd like to eventually do something other than change loads of laundry and dirty diapers. But what if this is it? What if this simple, cozy life is all that I'll ever live? That thought challenges me about as much as the idea of living in an African hut. What if the real challenge is living a passionate life throughout the ordinary? What would that look like?

I'll wait and see and hope that if God wants BIG things from me, I'll trust... until then, though, I'll work on living passionately amidst my schedule of cleaning bathrooms on Tuesdays, kitchen on Wednesdays, and floors on Thursdays.

because even when i think i know where i'm going, i'm usually lost

2010-02-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton (1915-1968) (via Carlos Whittaker)

Because even when I think I know where I'm going, I'm usually lost... I'm so glad I have God.

does knowing this is right mean i have to start doing it?

2010-01-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

Just read this post. Totally nailed me. Talk about feeling convicted! How many times have I spent 20 minutes reading my Bible to check it off the "to do" list then rewarded myself by reading a novel for an hour? How many times have I invested my time in things that do not matter at all when I could have been doing something good for myself, for my family, for God?

nooks, crannies, and whole different locations

2010-01-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

Remember when we all blogged? Really, like all of us. I don't know that I blog as much as I whine anymore, but I do still sort of maintain this little corner (ok, not even a corner - maybe a nook or cranny?) of the internet.

Well, back when we all blogged my friend A had a whole different blog. She lived in a whole different state. And I loved being able to connect to her via the blogosphere but honestly, I didn't get all of her posts. Not then. But from here, in my whole different state, I get a lot more of it. I understand more about where she was and what she was feeling and I think I love her even more because of what she said then.

Now that we don't all blog anymore, T is really the only person who comments here on my cranny of the internet. (Which is totally acceptable, by the way... I am fully aware that no one is waiting with bated breath to read my babble!) I can't help but think that maybe T and I are still reading and commenting because of our status (or impending status) of living in a whole different state (or a whole different country).

I've been tossing this idea around in my head for weeks and I don't know how this all ties together, but I know it does somehow. Living in a whole different state (or country) changes you. It allows God to show you things about yourself you didn't know... good and bad, all of us in different ways. It also makes you miss things, makes you cling to things, then makes you experience new things... good and bad, all of us in different ways.

being merry for 3 christmases and 240 miles

2009-12-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

Hidden away in my unpublished posts is a post about being around family during the holidays. About going "home," about making everyone happy. I may or may not publish it at some point. But today, I was given a new perspective.

In our MOPS group is a MOPS mentor - an older woman who has already raised her children and, in fact, now has grandchildren. Tomorrow is her birthday so we had all signed a card for her and she seemed surprised when we gave it to her. "Oh my goodness! I totally forgot about my birthday... With Christmas coming up, I've just been so excited about my kids coming home with the grandkids that it's all I can think about."

Someday that will be me, looking forward to getting to see my own kids. Today it is my mom and Eric's mom, waiting to see their own kids. So maybe I can cut everyone a little more slack and just enjoy the ride.

thankful: in my head right now

2009-11-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for many, many things. Here are a few of them floating around my head right this moment, in no particular order...

-a husband who not only loves and takes care of me, but also will drive 400 or so miles just to make me smile
-children who love each other and teach me new things about love every day
-Christmas decorations to brighten my house and my mood
-a mother who gets excited about Christmas every year, like a little kid... it's contagious
-extended family who laugh not scowl when my 2-year old throws and breaks a snow globe at Thanksgiving dinner
-being able to afford to spoil my kids a bit this time of year
-the miniature snowfall this morning that was so magical for my kids

And most of all, I'm thankful for my God who gave me all of the above and lots more.

3

2009-11-21T09:30:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon this video about a month ago. Videos like this make my heart hurt for the women but also make me glad that they are talking about it. One of the hardest things for me with my miscarriage was the fact that it was, in many circles, an unacknowledged loss. I know I've said this all a million times. Death doesn't typically throw me off, but losing my baby did. And I felt like even my own mother thought I was slightly insane. Maybe it's that I'm normally so ridiculously open and this is something I wasn't supposed to be open about. I am so thankful for the wonderful women who I was surrounded with during those days, though. Thanks, girls.

Thinking of my little baby today, on what should be a third birthday... I'm happy to say what I feel now isn't mourning, just wishing I had the chance to chase her around the house.

ho, ho, ho

2009-11-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

I am usually not an early Christmas shopper. I love Black Friday... it's like competitive shopping, which is a sport I could dominate! I even think it's fun to go into the mall a couple days before Christmas. I know people get so annoyed by commercialism and all that, but I've never experienced people being mean or greedy. I've seen lots of happy shoppers, wishing each other a Merry Christmas. I know buying things is not what Christmas is all about. My kids know this. But I enjoy a good holiday shopping spree anyway.

This year, however, I am almost done. Eric and I had the chance to do the "Santa" shopping tonight, kidless for the evening. We had fun. We also got some amazing deals and are going to be under budget for our Christmas spending. This whole couponing, saving money thing has even infiltrated how I feel about Santa. I guess it's my new version of competitive shopping... how little money can I spend and still get good stuff?

Plus, doing my Christmas shopping early means that I get to start listening to Christmas music early and just get in the Christmas mood!

jeremiah 1:5

2009-11-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.”

That is a verse featured on Compassion International's page for its Child Survival Program. Although I've known about Compassion forever and we sponsor a child, I just heard about the Child Survival Program for the first time this afternoon. There are unique ways to give or even just take a minute to pray for mothers around the world. It amazes me the things that I take for granted as a mother.

pigs, doctors & the rest of the world

2009-10-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

This past week, I have been OUT. I caught the swine flu I had mocked so much... "Oh, shut up about it! It's just the flu! Why is everyone freaking out about the FLU!?" Eric suggested it was karma, and that he was going to be pretty ticked if my karma got him sick! But I digress...

For the first time in a while, I was face-to-face with our nation's healthcare system. Insurance companies. Doctors. And so on.

I will start by saying that we are extremely blessed by the healthcare options afforded to us by the government. Not only do we have good insurance, but we also have the ability to CHOOSE which insurance company (and even which plan within that company) that we sign on for, depending on our family's needs and what we're willing to pay for insurance wise vs. healthcare wise. We also have the option of having a healthcare flexible spending account, which we do take advantage of. Thank you, U.S. Government, you have done good things for my family! This week, however, I was not wowed by our nation's healthcare system.

I got sick on Monday and by Wednesday it was obvious to Eric that I might want to consider seeing a doctor. Since we just moved to a new area, I didn't have a general physician yet so he went to our insurance company's trusty online tool for finding a doctor in our area.

None of them could see me until December. "But my wife is really sick?!" "Ok... we can't see her until December."

So we ended up going to an urgent care center. Of course, the co-pay for that is $75, as opposed to the $20 I would have paid at the "regular" doctor. I waited, felt guilty for not sanitizing everything I touched, and got in to see the nurse followed by the doctor.

Both asked for my symptoms separately. The doctor was actually reading from the list I'd given to the nurse as I told him and I was slightly nervous that this was actually a test and if I forgot one, I'd be sent back to the waiting room. He did some medical checking me over stuff, confirmed that I had H1N1, expressed that he wished they could get a real read at my temperature (I'd taken tylenol before coming because without tylenol I. could. not. function. at that point) and told me he'd give me Tamiflu. Being of slightly sound mind at the time, I then asked if Tamiflu was safe to take while nursing. The doctor looked confused. Uh oh. I confused the doctor. So, he left the room for a few minutes. He came back and basically told me he didn't know if I could take it while I was nursing so he wasn't going to prescribe it to me. (My husband later sent a facebook message to a high school classmate of ours who is now a pediatrician. She said the Tamiflu would have been fine, that there are even dosing regulations for babies so even if it went into my milk it wouldn't have harmed my nursing infant.) Instead, he was giving me a prescription for an antibiotic that he would like me to NOT fill because I didn't need an antibiotic. But I could have it for just in case. Now that sounds like sound medical advice if I've ever heard it.

I left the office having spent $75 to go back home and continue to sleep, take tylenol, drink fluids, and not fill a prescription. That's what I did and here I am three days later, in one piece and still asserting that H1N1 is just the flu - a really long, achy, feverish, awful flu - but just the flu, all the same.

All of this to say, my experience got me thinking about the healthcare system so many are fighting (and for good reasons - I mean that sincerely) to keep safe. When I look at the excellent insurance that we have and the good doctors who are surely surrounding me then I look at what crap I get out of it sometimes, I think... Could trying something a bit different be SO bad? Then I think of all the people in this country who don't even have any insurance to get crap out of and I think... Could trying something a bit different MAYBE - just MAYBE - do some good? I don't know. Healthcare is really one of those things where I can understand many different sides. I guess I just wish more people would take that approach to it, though, and try to see the other sides of the argument rather than being so set on their side that they can't see logic, reason, or (more importantly) humanity.

reliving my barbie youth

2009-10-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

I don't even remember what set me off on this tangent tonight, but I've spent the past half hour googling random Barbie artifacts from my youth. Oh my goodness, there were a ton of things I found that flooded the happy memory pool! So many fun things, like Midge, a super cool pink motor home I had, and then THIS... Anyone else remember this??

I vividly remember getting this for Christmas one year and playing with it non-stop. Apparently it made real ice cream, too, but my mom was smart enough to not show me that part :) I tried telling Eric he should buy me another one for Christmas this year, but he didn't go for it. Sigh...

Ok, one more! I remember my friend having the Barbie Dream House, which was like 3 stories high and this is the house I had...

She may have gotten the dream house, but did she have a REAL street light?? Ha!

my week

2009-10-13T04:04:00.000-07:00

Here's what my week is looking like... Tuesday: small group with church friends, Wednesday: MOPS launch at church, Thursday: church outreach event called Fall Fest, Friday: set-up for MOPS yard sale fundraiser at church, Saturday: MOPS yard sale at church, Sunday: working in the nursery at church... notice a pattern?

Although I know it's important to make connections outside church (the whole balance of in the world/of the world), I LOVE getting plugged in. I love the sense of purpose it gives me to be involved, no matter how inconsequential the involvement may seem at times. Something big I learned from finding a church here was that the seemingly inconsequential people around the church sometimes made the biggest impact. I'd been told it a hundred times, but experiencing it was huge. I don't want to forget that.

here, in the middle of ordinary-land

2009-10-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's harder to ask God to help you embrace peace with the mundane than it is to ask Him for courage with the extraordinary. At least for me, it is.

I'm in a very ordinary season of life. I am at home, living the day-to-day happiness that is motherhood. I love it and don't need to be reminded that my job as a mom is important. I am happy with normal, thankful for it. I just can't help but wonder about what else I should be doing, though. Maybe that answer is nothing else, right now. But if it isn't...

autumn in ohio

2009-10-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

Autumn was always the one time of year I missed Ohio. I missed cheering for my hometown high school football team. I walked my dog outside at dusk and thought of sitting by a bonfire with a thick sweatshirt and toasted marshmallows. I wanted to drive along a familiar country road, looking at trees full of colorful leaves for as far as you can see.

This year, I have the chance to do all those things. We have already been to one of our high school football games. The kids loved it! My mom is retired but helps out with the high school band so we can take the kids right down by the field. Lexa is mesmerized by the cheerleaders while Abe and Toby stare with wonder at the game and everything around them. We bought a fire pit for the backyard. The five of us had a blast burning hot dogs and making s'mores for dinner. I'm still waiting for the leaves to be at that perfect point of beautiful reds, oranges and yellows, right before they turn brown and fall off the trees.

Could I have found a way to do all these things in Northern Virginia? Yes. But it wouldn't have been the same... I didn't particularly care about Centreville's football team, I can't imagine the fire marshall would have smiled upon a fire pit on the deck of our townhouse, and there's something special about driving down a road where you can't see buildings for miles.

All this wonderful family fall fun combined with making some new friends at small group seems to be just the combination I needed to be slightly less whiney about this whole Ohio thing. So thanks, Autumn, you came just in time :)

my friend & my daughter

2009-09-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

My best friend in elementary school was a bit of a free spirit. She announced in second grade that, despite being called this for the past 7 years of her life, she would no longer be Jess. Don't even think about calling her Jess. She was now to be called Jessica and nothing else. When you ticked her off, you knew it. She loved doing artsy stuff. She drew designs all over her brand-name shoes and scribbled out those brand-names her parents had paid so much for. The second she was out of her mother's sight each morning, she shook her hair loose of its neat braids and let it fly in her face. Jessica tested into the gifted program but refused it when the teachers tried to tell her what to do.

I was the opposite. Not only did I follow every direction I was given in my elementary years, I could never imagine taking my pony tail down without my mom, a brush and a mirror. I was always drawn to Jessica, though, and even envious of her way of living life.

As different as we were, we were also inseparable for many years. We lived at each other's houses. Our families vacationed together. We knew every word to Bone Thugs & Harmony's Crossroads. In 7th grade, Jessica was about to fail Science so, despite the fact that I was getting an A, she spent the night at my house on a school night and we spent the entire time doing an extra credit project together so that she'd pass. When the teacher found out that we were friends, she called my mom to tell her that Jessica was a bad influence and my mom should keep me away from her. I guess not everyone shared my love for Jessica's free spirit.

But Jessica was loyal to the end. She would have done anything for me. When I did stupid things, even in high school when we were no longer "friends" she went above and beyond for me when I needed her.

And it hit me today that she reminds me of someone. Reread that first paragraph before you read this next one...

My daughter is a bit of a free spirit. She announced this year that, despite being called this for the past 7 years of her life, she would no longer be Elexa. She is now to be called Lexie. When she's angry or upset, you know it. She loves doing what she calls "projects" and is constantly saving things for her "projects." She traced her name in permanent ink on the personalized Pottery Barn backpack we bought for her. I see a girl with a neat pony tail get on the bus each morning, but the girl who gets off the bus has her hair flying in the wind. Elexa is pretty sure that everything in her life is optional, based on what she thinks is right.

And that is why my beautiful daughter can frustrate the life out of me, the mommy. But me, the person, thinks she is just awesome. I love her. I like her. I'm so glad she's my daughter because she challenges me every day. I'm so glad I know her because, like Jessica, she is loyal and amazing. I can't wait to get to know her even more as she grows up.

just because i like it

2009-09-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

We've been singing this song at church a lot. It gets stuck in my head, but in a good way where I sing it out loud and dance around with the kids to it! Here's a YouTube of it, not performed by our church but by someone who I'm probably supposed to know but I don't...

changing me

2009-09-10T05:29:00.000-07:00

Months ago, Fair Oaks Church did a series on CHANGE. Our pastor encouraged us to pray a simple prayer to God, "God, change me." I prayed that and really meant it. I prayed it to points of exhaustion, waiting and waiting for some triumphant crazy change in my life. The truth is I thought I knew how God would change me. I didn't.

I expected God to change me by changing my circumstances in a certain way. I thought if I prayed that prayer, "God, change me" and really meant it that our lives would take a certain path. That's not what happened.

Our lived actually took a different path: one that seems like the easy path, the path I should have wanted. But didn't and, honestly, still don't some days.

That is how God answered my prayer, "God, change me" and is still answering it. And, 'ya know what, I'm still praying it... "God, change me."

from the wedding hater

2009-08-28T11:05:00.001-07:00

I have never made it a secret that I am not a fan of weddings, including my own actual wedding day... so much fake smiling! I am, however, in love with my husband and my MARRIAGE! I know I've said this before, but I believe if more people wanted to have marriages than weddings that our culture would be a better one.

On the eve of a wedding that I am in, I have been doing my normal pre-wedding whining... about everything from the dress I have to wear that I had no say in to having to pretend like it's the biggest day ever in the bride's life and mine to the aforementioned fake smiling. Then I completely randomly stumbled upon a description of a wedding that - seriously this is going to shock you - I wish I could have experienced... and I don't even know this girl!

Here's a couple excerpts in case you don't want to read an entire post about someone's wedding who you don't know...

"Ron did a call for single people to recommit their life and surrender their relationships to him, he then did a call for husbands to take the hand of their wife and lead out in reconnecting their marriage covenant with God, and he did a call for people that are still trying to figure God out and dont really know what it means in their life yet. People LINED UP!!! and quietly had communion with their family or by themselves under the chuppah. They spend about 1 minute each just standing under the visual of God’s love and reconnecting their life to His. It was a very powerful moment."

and

"Okay and the BEST part of that day was the stories that we heard from what happened during that worship and communion time. There were people that took communion for the first time, there were people explaining to others what it really meant to take communion and to have a relationship with christ, and there were marriages being healed. We also heard a story about one of our quests whose battling aggressive cancer. During this time of worship a small group of close friends took the inititiative to lay hands on our friend and pray for her healing. It was a powerful time. I honestly didn’t know how people were going to respond but Brian looked at me and told me that he really felt that God wanted us to do this. haha. Uhh… there was no questioning it at that point. I loved how our wedding was not just about us getting married.. it was ultimately an expression of God’s deep love for His people and we were able to leave space for Him to do his restoring work in the lives of some of the people (and marriages) we love the most."

The way she describes their wedding reaching out to married couples, the single people, and even those who don't have Jesus yet inspired me. So many weddings are too much about women becoming obsessed with a perfect day in their lives and not enough about setting off on an adventure of always putting God into our marriages. Maybe I could hate weddings a little less if I thought of them in this way...

the same old story

2009-08-23T17:46:00.000-07:00

...with a different reader.

I recently mentioned my new-found love of rereading favorites. Along with this, I have decided to reread some not-so-favorites from my bookshelf, just to give them a second spin.

Further removed from my miscarriage I loved The Time Traveler's Wife so much more! When I read it the first time, I liked it but I swore that every book or movie I laid eyes on involved someone having a miscarriage. I guess I sort of resented the book for that. When I reread it, though, I fell in love with the characters and their story.

I also forced myself to do my annual try at Reading Lolita in Tehran. I have literally started that book a minimum of 4 previous times and never gotten past the first 60 pages. I came into this attempt determined to not only read this book, but enjoy it, gosh darnit. Now here's the crazy part... I am! And I'm fairly sure that this has much less to do with my determination and much more to do with who I am and where I am today.

who's in control?

2009-08-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

The saying, "God is in control" has become such a cliche... which is really unfortunate. Blunt and to the point... Read this.

Good reminder. That big cliche up there is amazing but so much harder to live out in our daily lives than it at first appears. I'd really like to reek of Jesus, though... not of me.

the smell of a freshly opened box of crayons

2009-08-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again... back to school time.

I remember the mix of excitement and dread I had as a child leading up to the end of August when we'd head back to school. I remember picking out cute pencil boxes in elementary school, cool trapper keepers in middle school, and picking up my class schedule in high school to compare which classes I shared with friends! I've also always been a worrier so combined with that anticipation I remember laying in bed at night in the week or two leading up to school and wondering if my best friend would be in my third grade class, if I'd remember my locker combination in seventh grade, if AP Government would be hard senior year. When we graduated college, I remember walking into my first classroom that was really all mine... deciding how to arrange the tables, designing bulletin boards, wondering if I really could change little lives.

In college, though, back to school time was 99% dread. It meant less time with Lexa. And I guess that's what it means again. Elexa will start second grade on August 26 and I am a bit blue about it. I know she'll have a great time and will learn wonderful things like hand claps and paper airplane folding techniques and how to have a best friend and, oh yeah, maybe math or something, too. But I will miss her being at home with me.

This weekend we'll be back to school shopping. The smell of a freshly opened box of crayons has always been bittersweet and this year is no exception. My little girl is one year older, one year smarter, one year more wonderful.

and now i need a milkshake

2009-08-10T10:16:00.001-07:00

I keep trying to find a non-whiney way to compose what's been on my heart since the move. How much I miss everyone in Virginia and our life there, while also expressing how much I can't wait to get this first year in a new place (historically, not fun for me) out of the way so that I can fall in love with our lives again somewhere new. Every time I try, though, I just end up saving paragraph and paragraph of posts, rereading the words an hour later and deciding it's a piece of crap. Then I cry. And drink a milkshake. (HOW did I lose weight when we first moved to Virginia?? Where is THAT girl??)

from naked fruit

2009-07-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Resist the urge to glitz, spin, and alter your life's advertisement for Jesus. The fruit of the Spirit is wrapper enough for the truth of God's character extended to us... Think naked fruit. Just fruit. That's how God intended nature to reveal his being, and that's how he wants us to represent him as well."

-from Naked Fruit by Elisa Morgan, President and CEO of MOPS International

I could try to elaborate on that thought but I'd just, in typical jill-style, end up babbling on and on. I'll just say how freeing those words are to me... the idea of showing the fruit of the Spirit to the world, while still being me.

dear fairfax county,

2009-07-18T19:03:00.001-07:00

I'm having a day where I miss you... you and my girls there, my church there, that kinda thing. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. That's all. Have a good night!

Sincerely,
Jill

destroying mother earth, one child at a time

2009-07-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

When we moved to Ohio, a friend predicted that we would be expecting again within the year. *No, this is not that announcement.* Living in an area with a lower cost of living does get me thinking about where we will go in terms of family size. I would in all honesty love another child. I also would be totally and completely fulfilled and happy with stopping at three, however. Quite the conundrum. Many factors have been included in the pro/con list I've mentally weighed and honestly I'm still right about even. Something I did not consider, however, was the environmental impact of having a large family.

I may have mentioned before my affinity for googling important life questions. (Remember "what should I be when I grow up?") Well, I googled, "should I have 4 kids?" and some of the people of the internet are quite riled up about this topic. I read one claim that having a third child is an attempt at showing people how wealthy you are. That makes me laugh. Most people who have strong opinions on the topic, however, are for environmental reasons. The most commonly held belief amongst those concerned is that having more than two children is abusive to natural resources. Some even say that having children at all is irresponsible. Phrases like selfish, stupid, and killing the planet with overproduction of children are thrown around. Many believe that to have more than two children - thus creating more than your "fair share" - is to affirm that you are more important than the next person.

The more I read on this, the more disgruntled I became. I think teaching children the importance of environmentally friendly behaviors matters. I believe that this is God's planet and we are to be good stewards of its natural resources, just as we are to be of the money and personal resources He's given us. But I also believe that this earth was created to be lived in. Even lived in by more than two children per family on occasion.

leavin' on a jet plane

2009-07-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

One of those not-so-great things I mentioned below is the crazy amount of travel Eric will be doing in our first months living here. I won't go into details, but he may be traveling up to 6 weeks in the next couple months. Upon hearing this, I immediately went into freak-out mode. Thanks to the willingness of both of our moms to help out with the two older kids, Toby and I will be flying out to Phoenix with Eric on his first jaunt. That helps. But this helps more...

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

so we're here

2009-07-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

...and there are so many great things about being here.

...and there are so many not-so-great things about being here.

It will probably be a while before I sort through all of those various things but I'm hoping and trusting that this was the right move and we'll all live happily ever after. Please hope and trust with me... or at least pray that wherever happily ever after lands us, it lands soon.

one week

2009-06-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

One week from now I will be sitting in a hotel room in Ohio, with all of my earthly belongings in a Penske truck parked in a hotel parking lot. I've said from the beginning that I have extremely mixed emotions with this whole move. I know it is what is best for our family. I believe that God must be part of this move, as well, judging from how seamlessly everything from job transition to house-hunting has gone. I am excited to be rejoining old friends, excited to make new ones. I hope to use what I've learned about God, about family, and about myself in some way... even if it's just within the walls of my own home. But I am also oh so sad to leave such amazing things behind.

a good read, an old friend

2009-06-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere once that rereading a book is like sitting down with an old friend again. At the time I originally read that statement, I remember thinking how stupid it was. Rereading a favorite book? No matter how great a book is - It seems like rereading it would not only be a waste of time (and ask my husband what I think of wasting time... multi-task!!), it also seemed to me that the favorite book would somehow lose some of its magic. Whatever had made it amazing the first time around would disappear and I would be sitting in tenth grade English again, reading The Old Man & The Sea and wishing the darn fish would just eat the decrepit old fellow already.

Well, do you know what I learned this year? I learned that rereading a book really IS like sitting down with an old friend again. And here's my confession: I love sitting back down with Edward and Bella. They have made me want to peruse the other favorites on my bookshelf again to see who else would be worthy of a walk down memory lane.

in four more years, i'll be a real adult

2009-05-15T10:35:00.001-07:00

I frequently joke that I am the oldest 26-year old I know. Having kids young forced Eric and I to mature at a faster rate than most of our college peers. As much as I should probably mourn the loss of my youth of something, I never have. I've actually always loved the fact that I get to be a grown up. I've looked forward to 30, rather than looking at it with mild disgust as some of my other 20-something friends do. And somehow in the midst of all that, I think I've given myself a little bit too much credit.

Reading an article in Relevant magazine ("The Big Three-Oh" written by Adam and Christine Jeske) the other day, I realized how much of a 20-something I still am, whether or not my mommy and grown-up resume appears as though I am in my 30s. Here's an excerpt...

The choices and advances we make in our 20s can take us radically different directions for the rest of our lives. But we let the pressure crush us, leading to stress of paralysis. For me, this angst led me to move 35 times while in my 20s, with 12 different jobs, including part-time gigs. I can partly attribute these moves to a desire to do whatever work God had for me anywhere in the world. But I also know now that a share of my choices followed my own psychological need to find the "best," the "right."

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Bells went off in my head. Wow, that is exactly how I am. Although the kids and family life have calmed us considerably, that crushing feeling of choosing the right path weighs on me all the time. Then I read this...

Entering my 30s, this pressure is off. Yes, I'm still pushing in new directions, trying to acheive more, considering new work and places. There's not the same force behind it, though. I'm comfortable knowing I'll get where I'm going eventually.

That paragraph makes me breathe a sigh of relief. But it also makes me the teeniest bit unsure. I don't want to fall prey to the "too comfortable" trap. Or maybe I'm just worrying about that now because I'm still a 20-something.

Maybe on my thirtieth birthday, I will wake with a magical knowledge of how to balance my own craziness with God's will and my own comfort with God's mission. Maybe when I turn 30, I will be a real adult. Guess we'll find out in 4 years. Stay tuned.

a day late... disheveled moms do that

2009-05-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

This post may be a day late, but so was the Mommy Breakfast at Lexa's school so THERE. And THERE is where I found my inspiration for this post anyway!

This morning, my mini-men and I accompanied Elexa to the Mommy Breakfast. It is not easy wielding a double stroller through a sea of school-aged children hopped up on donuts and their mothers anxious to get on with their day. Not to mention Toby did not sleep last night and Abe is 2 and his vocabulary is currently limited to 2 words: NO and MINE, said with equal amounts of enthusiasm/desperation. I was definitely not on top of my mothering game when I strolled through the doors of the cafeteria and waited in the 20-minute long line for my half-bagel that I knew Abe would be eating anyway. My hair was pulled back, I was rocking a hooded sweatshirt, and my make-up had been applied in the car (although not while I was driving!). I was surrounded by other mommies and trying to play the part like a pro, though. Then someone said it...

"Looks like they keep you busy!"

I know this is meant as a nice, little social comment. But in all honesty, it's just a politically correct way of telling me I look frazzled, tired and generally like crap... which I already know.

This was followed up with...

"WOW, your boys are CLOSE in age, huh?"

Yes, they are. And yet we still like them!

And of course, my personal favorite...

"Oh!! Are they all YOURS?"

I know, I know. I'm a young mom. And I have three kids. And I look a mess this very moment. But I love my life and I love my kids and I really do not need your condescending tone interrupting my day. I promise I'm qualified to mother them. I even have a college degree in a related field!

As I type this, I know that I am not the best mother in the world. I know there are many women out there who yearn to be mothers and who would probably be much better at it than I am. But I also know that for some reason God has blessed me with my kids. And they are mine and I will love them and mother them, even when my hair is pulled back and I'm wearing a hooded sweatshirt.

Each night when I go to bed, I still stand in wonder of the fact that I have been entrusted with these great kids. And I also wonder when the heck I'll convince Elexa that I actually am charge... wonder if Abe has stripped down to naked in his crib again... wonder how I am still functioning without having slept more than 2 consecutive hours in the past 6 months thanks to my little man Toby.

I'm so glad to be a mommy. Even in the disheveled moments... which are more often for me than for a lot of other mommies I'm sure! :)

houses, yards, and mortgages

2009-05-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

A few years back, we looked into buying in Northern Virginia. Every time Eric would start talking about our house hunting adventures, I felt nauseous. Literally nauseous. We didn't buy. We had two more babies instead. It was a nice trade. ;)

Fast forward to today...

We just walked through seven homes in Ohio. Seven homes with yards and mailboxes and even prospective mortgages. And I feel amazingly calm. Excited even. What's the difference? Is it life stage? Location? Something deep like allowing God's peace? Or maybe just my own idiosyncrasies? I don't know. But I'm happy and I like it.

just me

2009-04-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

My biggest fear with this move: that I will lose who I have become in the past 4 years.

Moving here allowed me to be myself. Really, truly myself 99% of the time. (I'm giving myself 1% to slip back into fake mode - we all have our moments!) I lost the shame I felt at not being perfect. I knew all my mistakes were settled with God. I realized I could be a competent mother, even if I didn't do everything the way my mother had. I became a wife, not just a girlfriend who married her boyfriend. For the most part, I act the same way around my friends that I do with the person I'm most comfortable with, my husband. I grew a ton in my relationship with God. I formed my own opinions and views, and even passions. I don't know when this all happened, but as I stand here 4 years later, I can tell you I am myself.

What if breathing in that familiar Ohio air (with a hint of manure) causes me to retreat? That thought scares me to death.

what i thought i wanted...

2009-04-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

...when we moved here 4 years ago, was to live in the DC area for a year. That's what I promised Eric, as his wife. I came here kicking and screaming and gave him a year. I'm sure all of you have heard by now the notorious story of how I reacted to the DoD offer letter: I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

At the end of that year, I realized I had friends. I had a life. I also had some other really amazing things that I don't think I ever would have gotten if God hadn't drop-kicked me to Northern Virginia. God has blessed us here, so much that I can't even fit it all in one post. So you all will have to excuse me if my blog gets annoyingly sappy and clingy over the next few weeks and months.

I know moving to Ohio is what's best right now. We've prayed about it like crazy - prayed that God would open or close doors and that we would just live His will. We are excited to go but sad to leave.

What I thought I wanted when we moved here 4 years ago is really happening.

look up

2009-04-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

Because I have a new blog header. Because I have amazing friends.

This particular amazing friend captured my life perfectly up there. I mean, what more does any woman need than lists, coffee, and friends to compliment life with the husband, kids, and general mayhem?

shoeless

2009-04-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

confession: cringe

2009-04-14T10:30:00.001-07:00

I think I may be becoming one of those moms who makes me cringe a little bit. One of those moms who is too busy being a mother to her children to raise them. Yes, you read that correctly.

My mother was so good at raising me to grow into an adult. And I worry sometimes that, not only am I not doing that well, I don't particularly want to be doing that. I know it's life and it's how I'm supposed to be doing things, but I'm pulling so hard against it.

In the early hours of morning today, as I was cuddled up to Toby... My baby boy who is 6 months old already and growing further and further away from needing his mommy every day... something really hit me...

I like feeling needed.

Does this mean I need to lay on a couch and talk about how I feel or something??

I've never wanted to be famous. I've never had the urge to be world-renowned for anything. But I want to be everything to my kids and husband. Having all three of my babes has been bitter-sweet for me - The pure joy of meeting them on the outside world for the first time mixed with the control-freak fears that I would have to now share them with everyone else.

Not to make myself out as some super woman... I just asked Eric (in a less-than-polite tone) a couple nights ago if he knew what it was like to go for months without ever getting more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep. I love going out without the kids to save my sanity. I've never considered myself an over-protective parent and I hope I'm not completely fooling myself.

I guess it's like my little mommy secret. I love my kids too much, love them needing me too much. I promise I'll never tell them. I won't give them major issues that will require years of counseling. I will smile and wave as they grow up and need me less and less. But a little part of me will always love when they need me, even if they don't know it. And I will try my hardest not to let anyone know that somewhere deep inside I am that mom who makes me cringe.

seeing easter again

2009-04-12T17:59:00.001-07:00

It really is true what people say about your kids teaching you as much as you teach them. I love looking at things in a fresh way through my the eyes of my children. I love talking with them about our faith and our family and love.

A few days ago, I was talking with Elexa about Good Friday and Easter... reminding her of why we are celebrating, etc. Today we had three wonderful Easter services, all of which touched my heart and made me oh-so-thankful for my amazing church and more importantly my SAVIOR. But what hit it all home for me was watching a YouTube video with Elexa. I had watched this very same thing live 3 times throughout the weekend, but seeing it through her eyes touched me. We talked about it. She was amazed, not only by the suffering Jesus endured for us but something that I forget too easily. He loves us. God loves us SO much and my daughter (along with this song, sung by my wonderful friend) showed me that again this Easter afternoon.

character

2009-03-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

First impressions are not my forte. Not only do I give a fairly bad first impression most times (by either seeming completely mindless or unknowingly scowling), but I also get bad first impressions. I am apparently a very poor judge of character when initially meeting someone. I didn't like most of my closest friends when I first met them. I've always thought, though, that given proper time getting to know someone I was a decent judge of character.

Someone recently asked me if I was misjudging God's character. I have known God for quite some time now - personally since third grade, to be exact. I thought I knew Him pretty well. But do I?

Let me give you some context... We are trying to make some big decisions lately. None of these big decisions are urgent, but we do eventually need to be grown-ups about it and decide already! I have been s.t.r.e.s.s.i.n.g. So it was suggested that I may be misjudging God's character. Am I thinking God is sitting up in Heaven, just waiting for me to take a wrong turn and... BAM! He'll squash me? I know in my heart that God is merciful and patient with us, but do I know that in my head? Or maybe I'm just so worried about "messing up" that I'm not giving God enough credit.

I guess I'll just wait and see if we get swallowed by a whale or something...

do you know why the divorce rate in america is so high?

2009-03-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

Because people really live their lives like what has taken place on The Bachelor this week.

People throw around phrases like...

"I just had to follow my heart."
"I'm living for today."
"I can't control my heart or my mind."

...and really believe they're doing what's right. The saddest part about this is that The Bachelor's actions are totally socially acceptable in today's culture. I'm not pointing fingers or judging. This whole drama was just a magnification of what all too many relationships are like in the world in which we live. We're all just supposed to follow our hearts, live for today, and live out every whim of our hearts and minds.

What crap.

when I grow up

2009-02-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

I just googled the following...

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

Because I don't know the answer.

Right now I don't want to be any place other than at home with my kiddos, but in the blink of an eye they will grow up and I can't keep having babies as an excuse not to go back to work. My husband will eventually be on to me. I loved teaching, loved my students. I could never totally shake the feeling, though, that this wasn't something I'd be doing forever. There are too many things out there that I'm passionate about. But is that just my aforementioned addiction to big changes sneaking in?

Google didn't have an answer for me, but I'm not too worried. I mean, I have a few more guaranteed years of "at home" time. So maybe google will figure out the answer by then... Because I'm pretty sure I won't. ;)

Maybe I should have googled, "When will I grow up?"

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-02-08T20:01:00.001-08:00

(You have to love when David Bowie is stuck in your head.)

Ask me if I like change. My reply will be a quick NO! But when I really examine my life, I realize that NO is not exactly true anymore. I hate little changes. I don't order something different at Starbucks. It throws me off to sit in a different seat at church. Once I know one way to get somewhere, I drive that way even if it takes longer or there's more traffic. I live the same, unchanging routine every day and love it.

But for some reason, big change excites me. Have another kid? Sure. Quit my job? Why not. I deal with big changes well... might even go so far as to say they give me this little high, whether that's a God thing or a human thing.

Lately I've had the itch for big change. Now I'm trying to decide if this itch is a God thing or a human thing.

a lifetime's worth of crackers

2009-01-31T10:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder why we, both as Christians and fellow members of the human race, spend so much time arguing and worrying over nothing when there are beautiful children like this who need us...

A real reality check for me. And again, I want to go help all these babies. I want to give them a lifetime's worth of love and crackers.

old friend on demand

2009-01-29T19:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I want to treat my blog like an "old friend on demand." I want to sit down with this blog over coffee and spill, complain, be uncensored, whenever I want or need to do so. But the problem with that is real people read this blog. This blog isn't an old friend who I can sip on a latte with while sharing my deepest thoughts. It's all kinds of friends and people, who could speculate or be offended or even just annoyed.

So I draft posts. Save some of them. I even have my husband read some of them, maybe just because of that human desire we all have to be heard. But I publish very few of them.

breakfast in bed, history in the making

2009-01-20T18:09:00.000-08:00

Here in the DC metro area, everything seems to stop on Inauguration Day. There is no school, government offices are closed, etc. So today, in honor of the inauguration, we stopped, too.

We spent the morning in our PJs, all five of us in our queen-size bed, watching the festivities as Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States. We had a spread that included pancakes, eggs, biscuits, bananas, and orange juice. There are crumbs everywhere and syrup that will probably never come out of my comforter, but it was nice. We explained the importance of this day to our daughter (who, by the way, is astonished that we’ve never had a female president!) and cuddled up with the boys to be spectators of this moment in history.

Regardless of where you stand politically, it’s a big day and I’m so very happy that I got to spend it paused for a moment with my favorite people.

zing!

2009-01-14T13:39:00.000-08:00

My mom used to say that my grandmother could "zing" better than anyone... She could take something you had said and completely turn it on you, whether to prove her point or just to show you what an idiot you were being. This could all be done in the most ladylike of fashions without so much as raising her voice. Gracefully throw out a quick one-liner, maybe even just one word and... zing!

I, however, think that God can zing better than my grandmother.

I was looking up a different translation of something on this site today when I clicked over to their "verse of the day" to read this...

If anyone boasts, "I love God," and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won't love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can't see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You've got to love both.
1 John 4:20-21 (The Message)

Immediately something an acquaintance of mine had written came to mind and I thought, "well it looks like that person should read THIS verse!" Then... zing! God pointed out that even by thinking that, I wasn't loving my sister! I needed to give it a break and get off my high horse. How many times a day do I mess this up and innumerable other things? But God gives me a break - He gives me grace.

I guess God can deliver a zing with grace, just like my grandmother... His grace means a bit more, though.

my mission statement

2009-01-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

I hate New Years Resolutions. I've never really made them. Aren't they just made to be broken? This year, though, I've decided to make myself a mission statement. What is the difference? Well, a mission statement would be able to transcend just one year. I also feel like the word "mission" allows me to keep striving for it, even when I mess up. A mission statement is life-long... at least until I decide to tweak or change it!

As I tried to develop my mission statement in my mind, I thought of the biggest things I want to change or improve this year. These things include (in no particular order) eating healthier, more Bible reading, strengthening relationships with both people and God, making exercise part of my routine, giving more and getting less - both financially and in other ways... The list goes on. In fact, it goes on to a quite overwhelming state where I end up opening orphanages in Africa and the like. (Although Buddy frequently reminds me that orphanages in Africa don't generally offer email or Starbucks but I digress...) That's why, for the time being, I'm leaving my mission statement rather open-ended. Maybe I'll find direction to one particular area or maybe I'll dabble. I guess we'll see where life takes me.

My mission is to do God's best for me.

Not my best - but God's best for me. Because I'm sure that will be so much better. I'm broad, I know. Doesn't that cover all those things I listed above, though?

I think that if I keep this LITTLE phrase in the front of my mind as I make decisions and live life that there is the potential for BIG things to happen.

my favorite gift this year

2008-12-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

My husband knows me more than I ever remember he does.

This year, for the first time, we are going home to Ohio. I will spending part of the Christmas week - because that's really what it is, isn't it; doesn't it go from December 24-December 31? - in Ohio. Now I am not typically the type to get all nostalgic for dead relatives. I'm feeling it a bit this year, though. I will be forced to remember standing next to Grandma on Christmas Eve and singing "Silent Night." Memories of being forced to wait until Grandma finished her morning cup of hot tea to walk into my living room to see what Santa brought. The look of her living room with wrapping paper strewn across it while she attempted to get a perfectly posed picture of each and every gift the grandchildren opened. Her smile when she made us happy.

This year for Christmas, Buddy gave me several gifts. Several great gifts. The most wonderful one, though, was a picture he blew up and framed of my grandmother when she was young. Young, beautiful and happy. A simple snapshot, something she probably didn't even remember having that I have had tucked away since she died. But I love it and I love my husband for knowing I would love it.

tradition time: week 4

2008-12-22T12:43:00.001-08:00

Since moving away from family after college, Buddy and I have loved starting family traditions of our own at Christmas time. So, this tradition is sort of a lump of those traditions rolled into this...

We don't go "home" for Christmas.

Christmas Eve has always been about church and Christmas carols to me. Growing up, we always had a candle-lit Christmas Eve service and I'm pretty sure if I went a year without singing Silent Night at some point on Christmas Eve, the world might end. Since living here, Buddy and I have become involved in our amazing church and so have our kids. So, it only makes sense that we would be at OUR home church on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day is spent doing a whole lot of nothing! The kids open the Santa loot then we lounge around in pajamas - Just relax and enjoy! With all of the hustle and bustle of the season, it is nice to cap it off with a day of just pure enjoyment of what we are celebrating and each other.

Our tradition of not going home most likely started out as my own subconscious avoidance of missing my Grandma. Christmas was her holiday. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her. The big family celebration took place at her house the weekend following, etc. She died the year we moved here and I haven't spent a Christmas in Ohio since.

What came out of this, though, is that we learned how to have our own family traditions. We really learned how to be our own little family. So I guess this tradition is more than NOT going home, it is being at home with just ourselves and loving it!

I must confess that this tradition, much to my dismay, is being broken this year. I am in a wedding 2 days after Christmas and so off we'll head to Ohio... but not until the day AFTER Christmas, on my insistence! Because it just wouldn't be Christmas to me without a few good traditions!

25 things about the 25th day of december

2008-12-20T19:14:00.000-08:00

Heather did one of these and I thought it was fun. Also, it aided in my procrastination of present-wrapping... Feel free to consider yourself tagged should you so choose. Or not. I'm fine with either.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? whichever - I am HORRIBLE at wrapping gifts but like wrapped gifts better I guess.
2. Real tree or Artificial? Oh, if only it were up to ME it would be real, real, real! But I have a husband who occasionally expresses an opinion about something so fake it is at our house. :(
3. When do you put up the tree? sometime around Thanksgiving
4. When do you take the tree down? New Years day
5. Do you like eggnog? Love it but since I'm the only one in my family who will drink it, I usually have to settle for the occasional eggnog latte.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A dollhouse that my Dad built - still have it!
8. Easiest person to buy for? My kids - I could buy them a million things! ...And probably would if I didn't have Buddy around to put me back on Earth.
9. Do You have a nativity scene? Yep... my Grandma's before she died
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? mail, typically - This year, however, we somehow never got around to doing them - Oops!
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? "Baby on Board" sign and anything Christmas-themed (decorations, etc) because you can't use them until the next year!
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Story and I love Elf, too. OH and Polar Express, too!
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? the day after Thanksgiving
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Once - a lotion set and I still feel guilty about it.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? buckeyes, puppy chow and cut-out cookies
16. Lights on the tree? I don't understand this one - Does anyone know of a lightless Christmas tree?! Do some people put trees in their homes and not decorate them!?
17. Favorite Christmas song? Oh so many... but FAVORITE favorite is River (especially Robert Downey, Jr's version)
18. Travel for Christmas or stay home? stay home... but not this year :( post to follow soon on this!!
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Of course! ...as long as I can sing the beginning of Rudolph!
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? snowman :)
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Buddy and I do our gifts Christmas Ever (and honestly, usually one or two before then because we're just big kids with no one to tell us NO!) then the kids can go nuts on Christmas morning on the Santa loot
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? I love this time of year - even all the annoying business and hurry! No complaints from me!
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I prefer all bulbs but no real preference other than that.
24. Favorite Christmas dinner? honey baked ham
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Long answer: Don't even ask me this question... the last time I was asked this, it caused a major breakdown and mid-mid-life crisis ;) about motherhood and identity - - - Short answer: I don't know!

tradition time: week 3

2008-12-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite little family traditions is baking Jesus a birthday cake each year! Punky's favorite part: We eat it for BREAKFAST on Christmas morning! We bake the cake on Christmas Eve and chow down on it Christmas morning post-present opening. Baking Jesus a birthday cake started as a way to explain a big holiday with big meaning to a little girl (and now little boys, too). Little kids understand birthdays and that is what Christmas is all about - Jesus and his birthday! We even sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus - we do not, however, have over 2,000 candles on the cake. MY favorite part: It worked! Just the other day, Punky told me as we were discussing Christmas wish lists that "the best gift you can get is that God gave us Jesus."

I do not have a picture for this post. I really should, but I don't. Apparently we are so excited about birthday cake for breakfast each year that we don't bother to photograph the experience!

tradition time: week 2

2008-12-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

Is it normal to decorate your bathroom for Christmas? I grew up thinking so. My mother has a tradition of overdoing it at Christmas, in every way... decorations, gifts, etc. My house growing up looked like Christmas threw up. It was a nice familiar sort of Christmas vomit, though. And every year, the gifts on Christmas morning filled our entire living room. Buddy has reigned me in a little bit, but I very much love overdoing it at Christmas, as well. I LOVE giving gifts - lots of gifts - to him and the kids. I LOVE decorating for Christmas and listening to Christmas music from November through January. I LOVE overdoing it just a bit at Christmas. It is tradition, after all.

tradition time: week 1

2008-12-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas in crazy, little kid sort of way! And in the spirit of this, I am going to join in on the Tradition Time Heather proposed. So, on with the show...

A Christmas tradition we have started that I know Buddy loves is some of the little treats I make around Christmas time! I am no pro in the kitchen. Boiling water can even be a challenge for me. Buddy jokes that my IQ falls 20 points the second I walk into a kitchen! So, the fact that I can successfully make some Christmas goodies each year really does mean a lot! My specialties (and pretty much the only thing I can't mess up)... buckeyes and puppy chow! Mmmmmm...

full mind

2008-12-02T11:05:00.003-08:00

In the past, I have struggled a lot with insomnia. I joke that I didn't sleep for about 2 years straight and, in all honesty, that's not far from the truth. Lately, as I've mentioned before, sleep has amazingly been coming to me. And I am loving every second I can soak up! Five straight hours of sleep means more to me than you'll ever know!

Last night, though, I began to battle my insomniac demons as I lay in bed, listening to Buddy's deep breathing and (I'll admit) cursing anyone who can doze off so easily all the time. So many thoughts were floating around my head... to do lists, prayers, and even blogs! This blog grew not only out of a desire to "learn how to think again" but also insomnia! I would frequently blog in the wee hours of the morning. So last night I tried something. I hopped out of bed (ok, maybe I wasn't that spry!) and searched for a scrap of paper and a pen in the dark of my bedroom. Besides my blog, I am a list maker by nature and I also journal prayer requests, but this didn't need to be eloquent. I just scribbled down one word for each of the things in my brain. I then returned to bed and that's the last memory I have of the evening. I found sleep!

I don't think that this means anytime I can't sleep it will be this easy. I do think that I learned something about myself, though. Putting things down on paper is therapeutic for me, whether I ever go back to those words or not. It takes the pressure off my full mind.

where church and life intersect

2008-11-23T12:44:00.000-08:00

While living in Northern Virginia, I have learned that church and real life can intersect. That is, I can be myself at church. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. The reverse is also true: I can be a Christian in the real world. Before living here, I'm not sure if I thought it was possible. I credit a huge portion of this realization to my actual church here. The people I know there are real people. They are real people who have taught me that my mistakes do not define me and that I can be real, too. Not that I've got it all figured out - Just that in church and outside it, it's okay to not have it all figured out.

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine from Ohio. That conversation all too clearly reminded me that church and life don't always intersect. There are tons of Christians out there still living their church and personal lives completely apart.

I don't want to go back to that. Is it possible for me to take my intersected life along with me, no matter where I go? Will I go back to being perfect in church and devilish outside those walls because of who surrounds me? Or can I influence others around me to be real and honest... to intersect their lives, too?

go bucks!

2008-11-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

It may not be a National Championship sort of year in Columbus, but this means just about as much. :)

it's november 21 again

2008-11-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I sat at my computer and emailed someone about a gift for a friend of mine who found out she was miscarrying exactly a month ago today. As I was sitting at my computer, I clicked up in the corner to see the date. The date was November 20. That meant...

Today would be November 21. How ironic.

I should have a 2-year old today. You know, I still get stupid emails about milestones for the baby I never got to meet. I've stopped trying to unsubscribe to those emails. I have gotten very good at deleting them without a second thought. So good, in fact, that I didn't feel this date creeping up on me. Not that it should matter. But it does. So I let a couple tears fall yesterday, said a little prayer, and remembered. I got wonderful news last night from another friend. And now I feel like all is pretty good in the world.

revelation

2008-11-20T08:09:00.002-08:00

Third Day "Revelation"

Chorus
"Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying
To find my way
I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You"

identity crisis

2008-11-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

A few weeks back, my mother asked me to give her a Christmas list. She wanted a list of suggestions for the kids, Buddy, and me. I quickly rattled off a list of twenty to thirty items for each of the kids; Buddy was easy, too. Then it was time to list what I would like for Christmas...

I couldn't think of a single thing.

So I cried. Yep, cried. I sat in my living room and cried to my husband about how I didn't know what I wanted for Christmas. I couldn't even tell him what I liked or what my hobbies were. I mean, does laundry count as a hobby??

I have turned into one of those moms.

If I had a million dollars to spend, I could easily spend it all on my kids and my husband. I would have a ball tossing toys in the cart at Toys R Us, thinking of the fun the kids would have with them. I'd love nothing more than to buy Buddy the TV he's wanted for years. And then I'd go out to eat with what was left over so I wouldn't have to cook dinner.

I'm not sure when this happened. When I stopped having passions that didn't have to do with cloth diapers or children's books. When I stopped wanting to buy clothes for myself when we're at the mall. When I stopped having personal interests. When I stopped being able to articulate what I want for Christmas. When I stopped having an identity that didn't depend on anyone else.

do you have sole?

2008-11-11T16:49:00.001-08:00

(nope, that's not a typo)

Instead of going to the mall this weekend and buying yourself one pair of shoes, go here and buy 40 pairs for people around the world who have never had a pair of their own. Or at least spend $5 and buy two pairs.

politics, faith, and anne jackson

2008-11-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Earlier this morning, I wrote a post. I then had Buddy proof read it for level of political correctness... and it failed miserably. I really still had a strong desire to write something here, though. Then I went through my daily therapy of clicking through my blogs and... Anne Jackson to the rescue! She said things better, and less offensively, than I could. I would even take what she said one step further to add that politics and presidents don't save the world and don't save souls. God does. And He wants us to help do His work, regardless of whose name we checked in the voting booth yesterday.

did you get your 'i voted today' sticker yet?

2008-11-04T12:39:00.001-08:00

I know everyone in the world has already seen this, but it's the best bipartisan entertainment I could come up with to say, "Happy Election Day!"

praying backwards

2008-11-03T09:19:00.000-08:00

pay for performance in education

2008-11-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all the political mayhem, I read an article written by Jeb Bush in the Washington Times. The article was about pay for performance for teachers, which has been something both current presidential candidates have discussed (although not too much because that would mean that the candidates have focused on education at all, but I digress...). It always gets me how political figures think that they are able to express their opinion on education as though they are experts. Now, just to make sure, I researched online quickly and sure enough - Jeb Bush does not have a degree in education, has never been a teacher, and from what I could find his only qualifications as far as "school" goes are that he was in school once! Again, stepping off that soapbox and on to the next...

I fundamentally disagree with pay for performance for teachers. Many politicians believe that a teacher pay scale that is based on performance would not only help retain teachers, but retain GOOD teachers. I understand why it might appear as though that would be the case. In all practicality, though, I think it would just cause competition among teachers. When teachers compete, kids lose. If teachers are in an environment of competition to keep their pay up, I think you're less likely to see successful mentoring, idea sharing, team planning, etc.

Furthermore, the most common idea for how to assess teacher performance is by looking at the students' standardized test scores. Like teachers need more pressure to teach to the test. And what about teachers of students with special needs? As a former special education teacher, I can tell you firsthand that what my students gained in a school year can't always be seen on one stupid test and to say that it could be belittles all that those kids worked hard for all year long... what the students and I worked towards together all year long! I already disagree with the idea that students are judged based on that and now people are suggesting we put more weight on these tests by basing teacher salaries on them.

Pay for performance in education sounds nice on paper. It sounds smart when politicians use smooth language and theoretical situations to describe it. The fact, though, is that school are not places of businesses. They can't be run that way. People - KIDS! - cannot be used as tools by which we assess performance. That is putting the focus in all the wrong places.

be vewy, vewy quiet

2008-10-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

...But not because I'm hunting bears.

I've been less of a blogger lately. I've had a full mind, a full heart. I've had wonderful events in my life and there's also been heartbreak. One of those times when I feel helpless as I've watched people I love go through tough times. I wish I could fix it, but all I can do is be still and quiet and pray. Lots and lots of praying. I haven't had much to say. There have been a couple verses playing through my mind on repeat lately, though.

Be still and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. -Psalm 23:1-4

How cliche, I know. But they've been good for me. And how can God's Word ever really be completely cliche? They've also been a good reminder to me of how cool it is that I have some of those verses stored in my brain from back in the day when I was desperate for a sticker in Sunday School!

I've been quiet, but God has been in my head.

the exact opposite of disney world

2008-10-23T19:02:00.001-07:00

I had to go to WalMart today. Not to sound dramatic at all, but going to WalMart is one of my least favorite things in the entire world. I think it's a horrible place. If Disney World is the most magical place on earth, then WalMart is the most blah. I feel icky when I'm there. I'd love to say that this is all because I'm morally opposed to big business or something... and honestly, the small town girl in me would rather buy from local merchants... BUT I do not get that same icky feeling at Target.

So is supporting big, bad corporate things okay as long as long as I feel warm and fuzzy while I'm there? As long as there are cute little red target symbols and bright colors everywhere?

And, as a side note, I was stopped twice while trying to leave WalMart by the random old man who guards the door. I find this funny since I set off the security alarms getting into Eric's office the last time I was there and the Pentagon security let me on through, smiling and saying something about how I was a mom. A threat to national security? No. But I am without a doubt a danger to WalMarts everywhere.

rerun?

2008-10-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever post something then begin to feel like you've read that somewhere before? Or worse yet, that you've WRITTEN it somewhere before? After blogging yesterday, I randomly came back to reread my post and I got the oddest sense of deja vu. I didn't go searching through the archives of my blog or anything (because I'm just not that ambitious) but I feel like maybe I've written an eerily similar post at some point. And how ironic would it be for me to babble twice about babbling? Anyway, does this happen to anyone else? Maybe I'm just crazy - this is entirely possible - but if so, my apologies for yesterday's rerun. And if not, then I have just succeeded in appearing crazy anyway.

a babbling brook

2008-10-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

I know I can babble. I am perfectly capable of rambling on and on... and on... and on in almost any given situation. That's one of the reasons I enjoy electronic communication so much. It enables me to edit myself - not as in, censor myself - but truly edit when I realize that I've just said the same thing 12 times. I can take that down to saying the same thing 5 times. Because saying it just once simply wouldn't be me.

But I digress (while also proving my point that I am a good little babbler).

Do you know why I do much of my babbling? Especially in situations where I'm speaking to someone directly, in person, with no computer to reread what I've just written? It's because so much of the time I'm filling up space. I have this desire to get feedback from everything I say and when that doesn't happen, the piece of my brain that's supposed to tell me to shut up doesn't work. Instead, my brain allows me to keep going on and on... and on... and on until someone finally responds in some way. Even if that way is them pulling their hair out or walking away. I don't like feeling like a preacher, talking at people rather than with them. Nothing drives me crazier than my own babbling but I can't stop it sometimes. Other people can stop it - all they have to do is respond in some way, any way really. Just ask my husband, who I occasionally follow around the house. "Did you hear me, hunny? What do you think? Do you agree? Hello?" A simple, "yeah" can work wonders.

the name game

2008-10-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm about to give birth again. My new little one needs a blog name. I'm slightly torn as LG is anything but "little," but I'm bothered by the thought of renaming him at this point. Seems sort of rude and like it might cause him to require counseling somewhere down the road. Anyway, I'm thinking the new little guy will be just that... New Little Guy, or NLG. (Side Note: Amber, I believe you may have suggested this but am too lazy to look back through my comments to confirm. If you did, you win! Um, you win... my love and adoration... and maybe a drink from Starbucks or something.)

little known fact friday, vol. 8

2008-10-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

I spent the last 5 minutes staring at my computer screen, trying to think of a little known fact for today... since it is, after all, Little Known Fact Friday! Do you know what I came up with? Nothing. UNTIL I realized that the act of me obsessing over this at all is a little known fact...

I really like to follow through with things.

Ridiculously so. I said I would post a stupid little known fact every Friday and so if I don't, I will have failed. And that will bug the crap out of me. So, rather than bug my own crap, I will give you my crap to read.

mia: autumn

2008-10-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

Bittersweet October. The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter. ~Carol Bishop Hipps

No matter how long I live here I cannot get used to the fact that Autumn does not exist in Northern Virginia. Not really. Not the Fall I know.

Fall is crisp and cool. When I walk to the bus stop, I should feel a brisk breeze and want a nice comfy hooded sweatshirt. There should be leaves in many colors covering the ground and kids jumping in them with reckless abandon. And of course parents raking them again... for the tenth time. This time of year even has a smell that doesn't happen here, the smell of burning leaves when you're driving down a country road. Autumn is supposed to be full of Friday night football games where everyone in town goes. And they need a jacket, even hot chocolate and a winter hat by the end of the season. Although you can't come anywhere near a pumpkin spice latte in my hometown, Big Dipper's apple dumplings make up for it.

This seems to be the only time of year when I miss small town Ohio. But you see, I'm missing a whole season.

dinner with a future president or two

2008-09-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

As I was watching the debate last night - well, the first hour of it before I gave up - I posed a question to Buddy.

"If you had dinner with each of the presidential candidates, which one do you think you'd like better?"

And I don't mean based on politics, policies, platforms, etc. I truly want to know which man's personality you think you would like better. Whose jokes would make you laugh? Which one would make you want to cut out before dessert?

uncomfortable with my level of comfort

2008-09-26T17:21:00.001-07:00

Buddy has been reading Mark Batterson's new book Wild Goose Chase. He read aloud one part to me which really hit home. In that portion of the book, Batterson is discussing the Holy Spirit. I'm totally paraphrasing and not saying it as nicely as the author (and Buddy is sitting across the room reading the book right now - it would be a bit rude to rip it out of his hands just to quote something on my blog), but Mark Batterson is discussing how the Holy Spirit comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable. He then goes on to talk about becoming comfortable in his own life and how it is possible to be uncomfortable with your level of comfort.

Sounds crazy. But I so get it.

The current sermon series at our church has really been getting at me, too. I believe that good preaching does the same sort of thing that the Holy Spirit does... it's not all about making us feel good, it's about getting us moving and growing! Comforting the afflicted and afflicting the comfortable. Our pastor has mentioned several times that if you don't know what God wants for you, what His plan is then you aren't close enough to God. If that is true (which I'm sure it is), it's like a whole new challenge for me. So often lately I've felt like I don't know what my calling is. Where I'm headed. And I know that's okay sometimes, but it's been getting at me lately.

I've been uncomfortable with my level of comfort.

I still don't really know what this means in all practicality in my life. But I do know that I need to work on it. I need to be digging into the Word more. I need to be upping my prayer life. I need to be putting my focus on God. I need to know if my discomfort is my own mental doings or if it is really the Holy Spirit prodding me for some good reason. I need to find out which category I fall under: the afflicted or the comfortable.

little known fact friday, vol. 7

2008-09-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

When I press the numbers to start my microwave, I have to do all the same number. For example, if I need to warm something up for 20 seconds, it becomes 22 seconds. If it's 3 minutes, it will be 3:33. Even if I have to stand there and watch it to make sure I'm not over-cooking. It's even better if I press the 3 and it accidentally does it double or triple so as I'm pressing once, it comes up 3:33 really fast. Stupid. I know. It's the little things, though, right?

just so no one thinks i'm a heartless wife...

2008-09-24T19:59:00.001-07:00

Here's proof that my husband feels the same way. I'm not the only one that picks on the old man. We all have some crazy in our families... just so happens in my husband's family that version of crazy is also quite humorous in a Jeff Foxworthy kind of way.

how my husband turned out normal is beyond me

2008-09-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

Snippets of a conversation I overheard between Buddy and the man he calls Dad as Buddy attempted to set up an email address for him (over the phone, across several states and with a language barrier... his dad only speaks "hick").

Buddy: What's your Dad's middle name?
Buddy's Dad: I don't know! I don't even know YOUR middle name!

Buddy's Dad: I typed in what you said and it told me it doesn't work.
Buddy: What exactly did you type?
Buddy's Dad: www.gmail.con
Buddy: Dad! I told you .com - C-O-M, like Michael, like my middle name!

Buddy: What do you want your password to be?
Buddy's Dad: Something I'll remember... Oh, I know... *insert brand name of beer here*

And my personal favorite...
Buddy's Dad: Boy, I'm going to need to go to a titty bar after this!

Note: I may have omitted a few less than family-friendly words. I also did not include the hours of dialogue (no, I am not exaggerating) about how exactly to enter text in the URL box, what email is, how to type something, delete something, how to "click," etc. And the etc. is about a mile long.

little known fact friday, vol. 6

2008-09-19T05:07:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in an earlier post my disdain for the electoral college. What you may not know, though, is that I actually co-wrote a protest song about the electoral college as a final project for my high school government class. I got an A. I can't say if the A was for my deep 17-year old intellect or my amazing musical stylings. I'll sing it for you sometime. Or not.

c) none of the above

2008-09-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Do you think that will be on the ballot in November? Like a "just kidding - we messed up - let's start this whole process over again" choice?

I've tried... and failed to believe in both candidates.

I sat through most of the televised speeches for the Republican National Convention, trying desperately to have them convince me. Really, I did. But every time they opened their mouths about education or half of the other topics on their agendas, I just cringed. Or yelled at the TV, startling my poor bored husband awake.

I feel the same way about the Democrat on the ticket, for the most part. Every time I think I can handle giving my vote this way, I hear the same darn radio ad that makes me not just furious but sick to my stomach.

With both major political party conventions complete and the never-ending onslaught of political ads, news coverage, etc. that will only get worse in the coming months, I can't help but think... "I don't like either option."

I've always known that my political views didn't mesh exactly with either "side." I have views stemming from so many different places... my faith, my firm agreement in separation of church and state, my public school teacher self, a semi-pacifist piece, the list goes on. For some reason this year, though, I feel like it's a painful decision. I really love and believe in our nation's voting and democratic processes, probably to the point of naivety (well other than the electoral college but that's a whole other post). It bugs me to think that the "right" President doesn't exist. Or isn't on the ballot at least.

I mean, I know we can't all be happy. That's not what our country was founded on and it's just not realistic.

So is it right to vote for the person you want to yell at less?

feeding the poor vs taking the poor to ruth's chris

2008-09-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

The other night, out of complete desperation Buddy and I watched part of an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. When that show first came out, I remember thinking what a cool idea it was. I loved watching them make people's dreams come true and even teared up at the appropriate parts sometimes. Five seasons (I think) later, it just annoys me.

Buddy has always said the show is just too over the top. They do these crazy things that, although amazing, are just a bit too much. His gut reaction has always been that it's a waste... not that helping people is a waste, but how they do it. ABC could help thousands more families each year if they'd just build them a nice house rather than a castle.

I'm torn about it. I understand that ABC is quite honestly not airing the show to save the world. They like ratings, they need a bit of over-the-top in order to have people watch and "ooh" and "aah." They are a business. I get that.

I see that it is overly extravagant. Who draws that line, though? If I decide I'm going to go into downtown DC and feed the poor, most people think soup kitchen. But why not Ruth's Chris? Doesn't everyone deserve that treat sometimes, too? Or is that wasteful, assuming that there exists a limited amount of resources both in my pocketbook and on the Earth? I can take one homeless dude for a steak or feed beef stew to the masses.

It also makes me think of the whole "give a man a fish versus teaching a man to fish" thing. Not that I think ABC is going to start dropping lumber off at peoples' doors and expecting them to become carpenters, but there was that recent story where a family on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition ended up losing their beautiful Ty Pennington home because of subsequent financial decisions.

Overall, I guess my personal philosophy is to do more by giving a little to lots of people. But I'm not ABC. And I'm also not shelling out as much cash as they are to these people in need. So maybe I should keep my little mouth shut. :)

little known fact friday, vol. 5

2008-09-12T04:06:00.000-07:00

I like to dip my Wendy's french fries in my frosty. That's it. Nothing profound. It tastes yummy. The end.

women in politics and the pastorate?

2008-09-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm... Read this.

While I do have some strong opinions in this general area, I definitely don't have the answer to this. Do you? Do you think the Bible has a clearcut answer? I'd love to hear, er, read it!

decisions and puke

2008-09-09T04:04:00.001-07:00

I hate decisions. Especially when they involve finances in any way. They make me want to vomit.

missing

2008-09-06T13:00:00.002-07:00

My best friend is missing. Not missing exactly, maybe more missed.

Last weekend my best friend L and her brand new husband J (one of Buddy's best friends) moved back to Ohio. When L and I had our last girly night of pedicures and manicures at Red Door last Thursday, I expected to feel melancholy. I didn't. When they packed up the truck Saturday afternoon, I expected to be sad. And I wasn't. When she came by right before driving out of town Saturday night to give me a hug and say goodbye, I expected to cry. But no tears. When she sent me a text the other day to tell me she got her hair cut short, I didn't expect to be overcome with sadness. Then I was.

It's so weird how things hit you at different times, in different ways. For some reason, the simple realization that I wouldn't get to see her fun new haircut until after Christmas made me want to cry. It made me want to meet her at Starbucks. Just hang out and do nothing in sweatpants. Or have one of our trademark movie nights with a chick flick and wine.

L and I have a very laid-back everyday sort of friendship and so I guess it makes sense that something so simple would hit me so hard when all the big moments seemed meaningless. I am so so happy for L and J... but I'm going to miss being lazy and eating fast food with her on random weekday afternoons.

little known fact friday, vol. 4

2008-09-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

I don't like pictures without people in them. I'll look at your whole family photo album with true interest. If you have snapshots of your trip across the country, though, and they're really just pictures of trees and dirt, don't show them to me. I'll pretend to look at them but really be leafing through as quickly as possible because no matter how cool that dirt is... it's still just dirt. The same goes for random buildings, animals, etc. I like to see people. Even better if I actually know the people in the pictures. But even the most random strangers are still better than the most interesting pile of dirt with sky in the background.

labor day irony

2008-09-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

To me (and probably most Americans), Labor Day marks the unofficial end of summer. The kids (and usually me, too, although not so this year) go back to school. The weather starts to cool down (unless you live in Northern Virginia where the temperature is currently 87 degrees). It's September. Good bye summer, hello fall.

Labor Day wasn't invented so that we could all have one last cook out, though. The holiday originated in 1882 as the Central Labor Union (of New York City) sought to create "a day off for the working citizens". The irony of this statement is that the real laborers of our modern United States are most likely laboring away today. While my government employee husband is not required to sit at his desk on Labor Day, millions of working-class Americans are still at their jobs. I went to Old Navy this morning. Yep, people working there. Restaurants are open. Grocery stores. Basically all the places that the white collar Americans want to visit on their day off from laboring.

Anyone else see a sad irony in that?

the bible and me

2008-08-31T19:48:00.000-07:00

My Bible and I have an interesting relationship. I really feel like the relationship involves way too many feelings of obligation on my part. I hate that. I want to looooooooooong to crack open my Bible and dig in. The problem is that I don't. I literally pray every night that I will suddenly find the Bible irresistible. I don't wake up in the morning with a passion for the Word. I wake up in the morning and think, "yep, I should read my Bible."

There are days when it all makes sense. When I really feel purpose out of my reading. Even moments when I'm brought to tears. I can feel God in His Word. But there seem to be weeks in between of nothingness. What am I doing wrong? It's not lack of comprehension of what I'm reading... more like the feeling that I'm meandering through the Bible like a lost little girl who occasionally comes across some candy.

So, Christian women friends of mine, I'm opening an appeal for your help here. Recommend an amazing devotional book or series or something. Please don't give me really corny mommy or woman-of-God stuff that will make me want to gag. I don't mean to be rude but, well, you know what I mean. I'm just not that girl. I'd really like to learn and that's hard to do when you're busy mocking.

I know I shouldn't need this to get my Bible on. But I'm being my open and honest self here and confessing to you all that I do.

...So I'll know if none of you comment that you're all talking about me behind my back. :)

little known fact friday, vol. 3

2008-08-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love the smell of a blender. It reminds me of making homemade milkshakes with my mom when I was little. It smells like home and like fun. Do you think Yankee Candle makes a "Blender on a Summer Night" scent?

sleep sweet sleep

2008-08-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

I've been somewhat of an insomniac for as long as I can remember. I cycle through good times, when it only takes an hour for me to nod off, and bad times... when I just don't sleep at all.

I remember this all the way back to when I was a little girl and my mom would tell me just to be as still as I could in bed with my eyes closed and eventually I would fall asleep. She lied. I didn't fall asleep. Instead, I made up stories in my head and turned designs on the wallpaper into characters. My narcoleptic mother probably wanted to pull her hair out. By high school, my mom had pretty much given up on forcing me to sleep. I went upstairs to bed sometime between 10:00 and 11:00 on school nights and either read or talked on the phone all night.

I've never really required that much sleep to function. If I get 5 hours, I'm good to go. I can do it on less and more is just bonus. I'll attempt to nap if I'm really messed up, but falling asleep for the nap can be tricky in and of itself. I never understand when Buddy dozes off on the couch while we're watching TV. I can't comprehend the idea that you can't stay AWAKE. Awake is easy; it's sleep that eludes me.

Until now.

The most amazing thing has happened over the last couple weeks. I. Can. Sleep. It is amazing. I get in bed at night, all cozied up with my pillow and blankets and... nothing! As in the blissful nothingness of sleep! I've been getting an average of almost 8 hours of sleep per night. I even wake up in the night to use the little girl's room and still am able to go right back to where I left off, snoozing away. I don't know what brought this on or what will end it - because surely something this wonderful can't last forever - but for now I'm just enjoying having less hours in my day and more hours dreaming.